Part I (might be more later)
I assume its time to finally write this, maybe its not? i’m starting over i guess and its time to ship the past into the past as much as i can. Theres so much i’ve done and said in the last 39 years its unreal. So much i can’t talk about and alot if i did well most wouldn’t belive me or try and lock me up for being crazy. I took a sabbatical 10 years ago when i married KC, its over now, its time for me to finally come out of the long slumber from licking my wounds and healing my heart. I feal like i’m waking up from a dream maybe a night mare and way to long has past in my life and damned it if their isnt alot of fucking damage i have to account for…. Also if you don’t like what you read here well to damned bad… its my life Get the hell over it!
I’ve been contacting those ppl and talking to them and explaining alot that i should as one person said “opened my fucking mouth and talked” a long long long time ago… Me not talking cost me alot but, you protect those you can and either you understand or you don’t…
39 years ago i was born, i walked into a life of violence, i didn’t choose this world i was born into but, its made me who i am to this day. Don’t get me wrong all of my childhood wasn’t bad OMG far from it but there was the nights. My first fault i belive in this world was being born a female and the 2nd was being born ( i had a brother who died a year before i was born )… i had one parent my mom who loved me and adaored me and did what she could to protect me, and then there was my dad. I to this day love this man to a fucking fault it has to be the side of me that enjoys pain because honestly when he drinks well when he used to drink… he used to hit (no im not writing details here) he has since quit i think the fire went out in him now he just bad mouths when hes drunk. I am an only child… SOOOO i unded up with the savior syndrom ( it means i jump in and put myself in harms way) it also tends to make you a tad on the crazy side you take chances you normally wouldnt and do things you normally wouldnt. Its lead me to some crappy descesions in my life one of them was being dumb enough to protect this man from other people knowing (skeltons in the closet IE dirsty little secrets all familys have…)
I was 17 the first time i admited i was actully being abused… the funny part was i had already been in councling for 7 years… WOW WTF! did i fool them… It took a woman named Dee and a group of kids my age and some stupid idoit saying “abuse doesnt happen” well need less to say i snapped and went across a 12 foot long table and had my hands around her neck before anyone could blink… the counclier i had the Mrs roush looked and said WOW this explains alot…She sent me to Dee.. after a long
painful process i came to relise my dads drinking and hitting was not my fault ( i still have a shitty self estemme to this day) BUT she didn’t get threw to me soon enough i am afraid. Luckily i had an understanding mother who was more at this point a freind than my mom who talked me out of killing myself at one point, and even understood me wanting to kill my dad. Also was the nightmares waking up either screaming, or in a cold sweat, or waking up unable to scream.
Understand this please before you judge me. Its the hardest thing in the world, to watch a person you love eye’s turn to hate and them hurt you over trivial bullshit like, you didnt wipe the counter down, or you didn’t bleach the floors, or on the worst night i didn’t pick up a flip flop, and then years later when you go to confront them, they say “i’d never hurt you, i couldn’t live with myself if i did”! He gets a free pass because he was DRUNK! WTF!Then for some strange reason you hide it, you don’t tell anyone not your best freind or the person you fall in love with. Maybe its shame or pride eh who am i fooling
you don’t have pride at that point its shame… you dont want people to know that daddy hits you, youre life isn’t perfect…but yet the funny thing is EVERYONE knows something is wrong, you spend all that time and energy doing this and BAM they know your hiding shit! Very few people stepped in to help or to bother with me and thats the next hard part… You see the signs yet you do shit to help. My high school history teacher was a huge help he knew something was up and did everything to
befreind me he told me once “i knew i’d have to walk on egg shells to get you to trust me” My coach taught me how to put my energy into sports SO i went into lifting weights… My art teach taught me to channle my energy into my art and i was pretty good but again mom pushed me to write… poems, storys anything just to help that anger i had. If you knew back then and now you literally will see two different people. that one was angery alot and wanted to hurt anyone she could and i did…i hurt
alot of people.
I was on a bad path of self desctrion, i went for a few years after i managed to push away the man i love, into drinking myself. I bounced into my first marrige. Good god even though my first husband wasnt perfect he didn’t deserve the hate i had boiled inside me but at the same time a few things that happened between us helped me alot. Im still apologising for him being a rebound, he understand and i think were working our way to being freindsOH and durning this time frame i found out i wasn’t able to go into the Army like i had planned… i got hit with my first ashtma attack a week before heading to the
MePs test… I had my life mapped out and well that was pulled out from under me. I wanted to be like my grandpa and go into the Army not the navy like my dad…I was also thinking about chasing a dream and getting stationed in Germany but well yeah rug pulled out from me…again before i married my first husband i managed to fall in love as i said two different times and i refuse to write their names because they are both married and have familys but one of theses men i NEVER got over and probley never will, every time i hear his voice my heart stops… I think he still cares for me but, to be honest i
will play mistress for this man if he asked but i wouldn’t ask him to leave his family. Its not me, i won’t do it, i know how divorces can tear familys apart but sometimes it fixes them and that not my reason for not asking… I have no right to ask, if i had a half a brain back then i would have married him and i wouldn’t be writing this now, but i have no right to ask anything of him, hell i don’t think in alot of ways i deserve the chance to even be speaking to him now… why should i? I should walk back out of his life and leave him alone, but god just being able to be freinds with him is more than i ever expected.
Onto marrige number two, eh ok lets talk before that.. i did manage to meet two nice guys WOW WTF back up! no one of them was nice lol! the other i spent over a year with and woke up one morning after he left me in the middle of the night while i was at work and found out that who i had been sleeping with didnt exsist seven years prior to then…yup every persons night mare i got!
guy number two, i could have married but he deserved better than me and we went threw Way to much in the short time we were together… three miscarriges and one emergancy abortion. Most marriges don’t survive that much less an newwer relationship only months old. He was a good man and hes married now with two little ones and i do hope hes happy!Ok number two… we got married for the sole reason of this, he wanted to take care of me till the man of my dreams came into my life.
Then i got sick… had to stop working. Yeah ok this sucks..i had to walk out of a carrer i had built from scratch because my body was giving up on me or so it felt. i was a cook for 12 years and loved it, maybe not the places i worked but i do love cooking espically baking and on top of it im good at it! its one thing i will show off in my life i am a fucking good cook. I stepped down into an over titled secretary postion known as a leasing agent for an apartment complex. was a fun run learned alot and hated it ALOT! im used to being a physical person and thats all mental and well screw that give me a gritty dirty sweaty job any day! My brain would hurt every night after working… OH yeah and on top of that now i wasnt allowed to drive! due to muscle spasms in my arms and yes i love driving. Also the day i had to
face of picking up my swords hurt much less not being able to do stances because it would send me into amazing pain.
The day i picked up my katana and it slipped from my hands i cried…
So this man i married told me quit working i will take care of you completely you just do what house work you can… Me and house work LOL ok sure… id give it a shot! that was six year ago. now house work is an anger outlet. When i can do it, at one point sweeping the floor made me take a nap.eight months ago one of my best freinds called me from texas and told me in her own way come help her get out of her marrige so we dropped everything and went literally on 500.00 from florida to texas. She made me a promise she would do everything in her power to help me get well and to keep my life stress free and i will be damned she has.
They say i have Fybro and the rumtorid part of the arthritis in other words its fancy words for i dont know wTF is going on with you… they say i have infalmation in my blood that is off the charts… i know i get tired easy and i hurt alot but not just in the muscles its in the joints also. I think personally its either the life i have lead ( WAY WAY WAY to much i did not put in here) or my body is changing.. for good or bad i dont know. I listen to my body i always have, i know it better than most people ever will. Its up to something. I know i hear and see better than most people and it irratates me to no end. bright light forget it i wear sun glasses EVERY WHERE! and listening to bass is out to it bothers my nerves to much, i know theirs certain foods i can or cant eat, certain clothes and even towles and sheets, purfumes, soaps you name it. i am an extremely light sleeper and only get at most 4 or 5 hours sleep a night. You move wrong i wake up. Go to the bathroom i wake up so you get the idea…i know codine helps the pain alot… i want off of it… i know im supposed to be on disability but i dont want to.Since being here, it was small changes at first…like being able to get out of bed, starting to eat right again., My concentrsation level has come back, to now i am amazing myself. I can on most days cook a full meal, Clean the kitchen, the bathroom, play with my bird or my best freinds kids who live with us. We thought i was going back and reverting after christmas had a few stressful days and it sent me into tears but eh, turned out was a sinus infection took me three months to recover but i did! ( my immune system has been shit since this started) We went and got a membership at a gym, started with swimming because water seems to help this, espically a pool and i started back into the weight room. GOD i am
fucking blown away i love the pain, i love the push, the drive i have again… just to be normal, just to be able to do what i used to. I see my body coming back to life its responding amazingly fast, im toning up faster than i ever thought i would, i’m seeing resluts so fast and im not pushing myself hard. i know better. i actully went onto the weight bench and benched the bar the other day and was almost in tears it felt so amazing (yes coach three sets of ten!) . My strengh is returing faster than i ever thought possible. I am seeing hope for the first time in ten long years. I got approved for college and i start on summer term A so maybe i can finish that up. I am thinking of starting a small part time business one i used to run along time ago in florida.
Shit went so wrong twenty years ago, i think i took a right turn instead of a left, and it verded me off course (yes i belive we all have a destiny) it took my coming back to Texas to start that wheel going and it honestly feals like im waking up from a long ass dream. Im relearning to like myself again, im relearning to push threw the pain and madness of my life, im just relearning everything. In a few more weeks i will attempt for the first time in six years to weild a sword again. I think i’m starting to write again and maybe even draw.
I can’t hold this wonderful man i married back anymore, he deserves so much more than a woman who loves him but is not in love with him. He deserves more than me. I am looking forward to being with someone i am in love with and hes in love with me, someone i would die for, someone id follow to the ends of the earth if need be. I don’t think its to much to ask for, maybe i have already met him and hes a past boy freind. I know this much when i do find him, hes in a world of trouble because i will spend every day of my life proving to him i love him and proving to myself i deserve him. i know hes out there, i can feal him waiting on me. I think hes been waiting but he knew i had to deal with some bullshit and get my head on stright and fight past what ever it is tearing my body down. Its not going to win, it can’t.
My destiny is sitting out there and i think its time i finally met up with it and delt with whats going to happen. Im healing slowly, and i am coming back to who i am
ment to be so, here i am… are you?